Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me