[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.