@Cornjerker78

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

@Cornjerker78

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

@Cornjerker78

Blind Date

Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.

Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?

[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.

@Cornjerker78

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

@Cornjerker78

Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.

@Cornjerker78

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

@Cornjerker78

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

@Cornjerker78

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

@Cornjerker78

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

@Cornjerker78

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.