Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?
Heifer *chewing cud*
Teacher: Swallow it again then.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.
Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!
Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.