Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.