It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Breaking news:
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Born to be mild.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.