My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.