Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
How do you like your Corgi?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.