@Marlebean

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

@Marlebean

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

@Marlebean

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

@Marlebean

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

@Marlebean

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

@Marlebean

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

@Marlebean

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

@Marlebean

Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?

Me: No way, Charles Manson!

Him: But I just..

Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS

HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years

Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*

@Marlebean

Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”

{Guidance counselor glares at them}

Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*

@Marlebean

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket