My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”