@Marlebean

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

@Marlebean

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

@Marlebean

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

@Marlebean

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

@Marlebean

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@Marlebean

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

@Marlebean

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

@Marlebean

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”