Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.