[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
How it started: How it’s going:
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
thanks auntie mary
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like