Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog