@SCbchbum

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

@SCbchbum

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

@SCbchbum

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

@SCbchbum

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

@SCbchbum

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

@SCbchbum

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

@SCbchbum

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

@SCbchbum

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

@SCbchbum

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”