I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”