Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
You Might Also Like
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing