My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”