@ilovepie84

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

@ilovepie84

The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.

@ilovepie84

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

@ilovepie84

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

@ilovepie84

Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.

@ilovepie84

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss