AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right