If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”