I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
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“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”