*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
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The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!