4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
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“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
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This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My dating profile:
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Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.