Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
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About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid: