Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor