I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
got so much cardio in today
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Its true…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.