Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
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[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.