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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The first one, obviously
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The best plant holders?
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”