no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Still laughing at this stupid meme