I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Snapes on a plane.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”