Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
You Might Also Like
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
do what now??
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
saw this in a dream
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT