My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
respect
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.