It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
You Might Also Like
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Florida man
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Birds & Planes.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca