KFC hitting the cannibal market
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It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”