I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
TODAY
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?