U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
How software testing works
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.