My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds