Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
.. do you even science?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*