ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.