[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.