What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
step 6: release the wall snake
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Saw online –
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*