John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
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I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car