Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Has science gone too far?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Good news
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
nyc:
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.