“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
You Might Also Like
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon