When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
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PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Anyone want a chair?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.