This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
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I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
who did the taste test?
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now