Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Guilty! 🤪
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.