[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.