police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
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I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time