Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
want me to check your oil?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me