The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
just pretend nothing happened
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Huge”.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.