convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
😲 WTF? 😆