‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror