Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.